28 days and counting...

 Today marks 4 weeks exactly until my surgery and I'm becoming more and more anxious by the day. Suddenly I am facing all kinds of problems that I never even considered a possibility that could mean the surgery may not even happen. Living in the US means that I have to organise and make sense of health insurance- something that I never had to do before, living in the UK with the National Health Service. I am also having to find and register with a GP in order to get a pre-op assessment done to be cleared for surgery which is much easier said than done since none of them seem to have any availability before the middle of November! 

The uncertainty is my biggest enemy at this point. I had thought that once I had chosen to have the surgery and scheduled it then my anxiety would calm down and I would be able to just focus and building up strength to aid in my recovery- apparently this isn't the case. All of the stress of trying to figure out a completely different healthcare system is making me miss home a lot and I'm beginning to realise just how alone I'm going to be throughout this process. I am lucky that I am surrounded by people who love and care for me but it just isn't the same as having my family. Starting to figure out the logistics of how I'm going to manage at home post-op, living upstairs and with a bath-shower is also adding to my anxiety. As someone who is very independent and used to doing everything for myself the thought of having to be dependant on others for the simplest of tasks such as going to the bathroom or taking a shower is really freaking me out. 

One thing I am super grateful for is to be working with an amazing physio. We seem to be on the same page that since my surgeon is going in and fixing it anyway it doesn't really matter if I make it worse so I may as well just push myself as hard as possible and gain as much strength as I can before my surgery. In my opinion one of the most important things when injured is to have a good relationship with your rehab team. Since this is an elective surgery I am at an advantage in that I can work with my physio pre-op so she can see where I am before and thus what I'm aiming for after my surgery. Recording pre-op measurements will also be really helpful in seeing how much range of motion I lose as a result of the surgery and will give us a baseline to work towards post-op.

I am also making sure to take time out for my mental health. It has been a tough few weeks aside from the surgery- living in covid times (and testing positive for it!), keeping up with schoolwork and trying to stay in a positive headspace with so much going on. Looking for a little bit of beauty in every day and making sure to take note of three things I am grateful for each morning is really helping me. I am trying to spend as much time outside and in nature as possible and am working with a psychologist to try and prepare myself as best as I can for what's to come.

Nothing in life is certain and change is inevitable so there's no point in fearing it. Trust the process and embrace the beauty.